What makes you happy?

2009-02-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HAPPINESS

My dictionary of psychology does not contain a definition of the word 'happiness', mainly because, historically, psychology was concerned more with human misery and malfunction than with human thriving.

My English dictionary defines 'happiness' as "...feeling or showing pleasure..." But is that what we normally mean by the word happiness? I suspect that this is sometimes what we mean, but that we often mean something much calmer, and less dramatic, such as feeling calm and serene; feeling centred and grounded; feeling bliss; feeling comfortable and at peace; and so on.

Indeed, in my model of human emotions, and how they relate to bodily (or physiological) arousal, the word 'happiness' refers to an aroused positive state which occurs at a similar level of cardiovascular and visceral arousal as the 'healthy negative emotions' of concern and irritation. That is to say that happiness thus defined is a reasonable level of positive emotion, with a reasonable level of physiological arousal. Above that level of arousal we get mania, or overly-aroused positive emotion, with excessive physical activity and a generally negative effect upon others who are present and having to witness this manic behaviour.

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Using this system of definition, we can say that many people are seeking happiness as just defined, but that it can only be achieved by encountering a 'positive stimulus', such as getting a pleasant surprise, gaining something that was desired or sought, escaping from something that was experienced negatively, and so on. Thus, in this definitional schema, happiness is contingent upon the external environment for its presence. If there are no external positive stimuli, then there is no internal state of positive arousal, called 'happiness'. Thus, in this schema, if you want to be happy, you absolutely need to get things, and experience events, that have a positive meaning for you. But that cannot always be arranged, as life tends to have good and bad elements. So that approach to 'happiness' would often, if not normally, be counterproductive. For example, when you experience loss or failure, how are you going to experience any happiness at all?

Another definition of 'happiness' could be this: 'To experience peace of mind; to be calm; to be contented; regardless of external circumstances'. This is closer to the Buddhist concept of 'detachment from desire'; or the Greek (Aristotelian) concept of 'Eudaimonia', which flows from living a virtuous life, rather than receiving anything from outside yourself.

Since you cannot always get what you want; and life can be very difficult, frustrating and sometimes downright painful, I strongly advise my clients to seek the second type of 'happiness' - namely 'contentment; detachment; eudaimonia; serenity; acceptance of your lot'. With this approach, you stay with the difficulties in your life; complete your experience of them; embrace them; and feel the sadness, irritation, concern, and so on that these situations evoke in us. What we find with this approach is that, after a certain amount of healthy negative emotion, such as sadness, the sun comes out, and happiness returns, without any need to receive anything (much) from outside of ourselves. Thus the psychology of success, for me, becomes the psychology of acceptance of what is so; detachment from excessive desiring of the unattainable; the living of a virtuous life, with and for others; and so on. In this way we can be 'happy' even when the rain pours in through our leaking roof, or the money runs out of our bank accounts too quickly!

Two other elements are also important:

(1) Firstly, it is important to focus your mind upon the mildly positive things in your life, in order to notice them, and feel happy that they are there. Otherwise, your attention will tend to focus upon the mildly negative things in your life, and you are likely to make yourself miserable about them. So managing your attention is crucial.

(2) Secondly, it is good to have long-range goals. But if all your goals are long range you will always be putting off pleasure to some dim, distant future which may never come. But if you only have short-term goals, you may fail to achieve all that may have been possible if you had thought of the long term, planned for it, saved for it, trained for it, and so on. So what you need is a good balance of long-term and short-terms goals, with daily, weekly and monthly rituals to extract what happiness you can from your life as it proceeds.

But now let us take a look at some of the findings of happiness researchers:

The psychology of happiness indicates that material assets are not prime factors in promoting happiness, once subsistence level has been reached. The more important factors include:

(1) Being involved in engrossing activities that are meaningful for you;

(2) Having a purpose in life that is much bigger than yourself;

(3) Having at least one major relationship involving trust and intimacy;

(4) Working intelligently towards your own goals;

(5) Learning to distinguish between what you can and cannot control; and "when it rains, just letting it rain!"

(6) Learning to practice gratitude for what you have in your life, instead of always focusing on what you do not have!

And so on.

Jim Byrne, July 2007

POSTSCRIPT

If you are habitually unhappy, and want to learn how to be happier, then call Jim Byrne on 01422 847882 (from inside the UK) or 44 1422 847882 (from outside the UK). Or email me on ABC Coaching and Counselling Services.

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Happiness Coaching

What makes you happy?